I’ve never been happier!

Well, I’ve never been happier.

I feel so great! I must be in love. I can’t even convey how awesome this is. Nick is a very loving and kind person, and as I told him, I seek out those qualities in others. He said he wants to be my friend forever and always be there for me, and I got panicked and asked, Does that mean you “just” want to be friends? (I’m italicizing because we were talking online, not out loud.)

He took forever to type a response, which made me a nervous wreck. But the gist of it was good news. He’d just meant that friendship created a solid foundation for a relationship, and we would talk sometime about being more than friends, but he was currently dating multiple people (which he’d already told me previously–this wasn’t a surprise), and he wanted to see if we could create a loving and comfortable relationship, and he definitely wanted to be intimate with me.

I was relieved and assured him that I wasn’t pushing for a commitment. Rather, I’d heard the word friend and had feared being friend-zoned. I said that he had every right to see who else is out there.

He’s very kind and loving. (Did I already say that?) He seems to value those qualities in me, too. He thinks I’m sweet. He keeps calling me sweet.

It’s weird because a lot of our mutual acquaintances are on my mortal enemy list. I mean, I’m not as passionately hateful as I used to be, but these are people who I’ve screwed up with so badly in this lifetime that it’ll take reincarnation for me to be able to fix things with them. (Fortunately, I’m always up for reincarnation.) Nick’s brother is on the list. I grew up with him, too, and there’s a history there. I’ll have to do a whole blog post about that, but the short version is that his brother dislikes me for reasons unknown. I never picked up on it the whole time we were growing up, and I honestly don’t know what contributed to it. As adults, he went out of his way to exclude me from social media groups for former members of the youth group, and that sort of thing, by forming groups and then telling me that he was getting an error code when I tried to join. Total jerkface. And I was always so naive that I bought into it.

I have no intention of trashing him to Nick. Nick can’t help being related to him. In good news, my brother has also disliked Nick’s brother forever. (We all grew up together.) I’ve got my brother’s full support therein.

It seems like a miracle that someone from that circle really loves and cares about me. Go figure! Nick says he’s cared about me for years and that he wants to be there for me and that he wants me to be happy. I feel belief. You might think I meant to type relief, but I meant belief. I just feel deeply secure about his feelings for me. After I expressed my fear of being friend-zoned, he typed, You have nothing to be insecure about. Not ever. 

I’ll take that! God bless.

I feel really secure. In most relationships, I feel like a nervous wreck, but that hasn’t really happened here. The few times that I’ve raised concerns (none serious, all general relationship snags), he’s leapt in to put my mind at ease. Like, when I asked him what his favorite book was and why he liked it, I added, I’m asking because I want to make sure our relationship isn’t only physical, and he replied with a well-written mini-book report two seconds later.

(He likes Jurassic Park! Huh!! I haven’t read it, but the movie terrified me. I’ve always felt that the mad scientist should’ve just stuck with herbivores, but that would’ve made too much sense. I mean, come on! Brontosauruses don’t attack. But those velociraptors! Gracious heavenly saints. They kill for the dance, or they dance for the kill.)

I’ve been searching my memories and seeing a lot of love from him that I must’ve forgotten. I remember in fall of senior year (so he would’ve been in eighth grade), I got out of the mental hospital yet again and immediately wound up at his house. As I was leaving, I turned on his front porch steps to blow kisses to him, but I tripped and broke my foot. (It was a hairline fracture.) My mom had to take me back to the hospital, but for physical reasons, and they gave me a padded shoe and crutches.

I was always an emotional mess. Nick and I haven’t talked about it recently, and I don’t recall talking to him about it when we were much younger, but I think he alone saw the truth about my mother and my home life. Whenever I was down, he didn’t get upset or judgmental. He was just loving and supportive. I believe I made an error in judgment as an adult after I tried to keep a lot of relationships from church (we were in the youth group together) going, but those people all wound up hating me, or I hated them; and I figured Nick could be added to that list. I was wrong! Who knows? Maybe he’s been defending my honor to his brother and my other adversaries.

I just truly love him and am filled with joy. And there are so many reasons! I’ve always felt devastated that none of my relationships go all the way back. I love the friends I have today (shout-out!) but they don’t go back to the previous millenium. That’s not a criticism, but when I was forced to let the youth group go and accept that they all seemingly hated me, I was crushed and devastated. I pushed myself forward to make new friends, and I was successful at it, but it hurt so bad. Now Nick has become a connection to all of those failed relationships. I’m glad! For one thing, his brother will have to like me! Everyone will be mad at him otherwise. (Don’t worry. I’ll have two eyes open.)

I just never saw this coming, but it’s so beautiful. I get the sense that he’s missed me for years. Maybe he’s even read some of my books. I bet he’d love the one in which I roast our former youth group. (It’s called Behold Her Majestic Fog, and it’s filled with Bazombies, which are Baptist zombies, of course.)

I just feel so happy. I have a great sense of things. I think he and I will be there for each other and love each other, and I bet if I tell him what really happened the night my mom had me arrested, he’ll understand. I’d give anything to have a photo of the two of us together when we were younger. I’ll try to find some. He was the cutest boy in the world. I used to have his third-grade photo in a locket. I can’t believe how sweet on each other we were (and still are!).

My mom has been trying to convince me not to be hopeful. She seems to think that Nick loves me as a friend only, but for me to convince her of otherwise, I might have to tell her that Nick and I were engaging in multiple more-than-friendly behaviors on our first date night. I don’t think my mom can handle that. (It doesn’t take much to send her into a tizzy.) So I’ve been telling her, but without explanation.

My mother! Goodness gracious. I told her that I had a new love interest, and she asked if it was someone she knew, so I said yes.

“Was it that guy from Elizabethtown you dated several years ago?”

“Billy? Um, no. It’s not him.”

“Yeah, Billy! How’s he doing? What’s he up to?”

“Um, just to reiterate this, Mother, it’s not him.”

(I did actually hear from Billy recently. But I made it pretty clear that it wasn’t going to happen. At least this time, I heard from directly from him and not from his mother. “Mr. Kimball? This is Billy’s mom, Mrs. Smothers. Would your daughter like to go out with my son again?” Her voice was on my dad’s speakerphone. I shuddered and waved my hands in a negatory gesture. “I don’t think so,” my dad said, “but it’s nice of you to ask.” I kept shaking my head no. It wasn’t nice.)

Getting back to my mother:

“Oh! Well, who is it? Is it that guy you dated twenty years ago, Salvi? How’s he doing?”

“He’s a woman now, but beyond that, I have no clue.” (This is true. I found out online.)

“I don’t understand,” my mom said. “You’re dating a trans woman?”

“No, Mother.”

“Wasn’t he male when you knew him?”

“Yes, Mother.”

“Could you tell that he wanted to be female?”

“We’ve lost the point, Mother. But no, I couldn’t tell. I realize now that I should’ve asked him. You know, for posterity.”

[Facepalm.]

But my mother wasn’t through.

“And just to make sure, you and your best friend Sonya aren’t secretly lesbian lovers?”

I sighed. “Well, we would be, but we’re both straight. And Sonya’s divorced. From a man.”

“Well, who else could it be?!”

I sighed. “It’s Nick [last name].”

“Oh, I remember him! How delightful! I used to be best friends with his mom. It’s so tragic when you grow apart from a close friend.”

“Well, if Nick and I can grow back together, then so can you and his mom.”

“I guess so…” my mom seemed timid.

“Give her a call,” I suggested. “Just don’t tell her that Sonya and I are lesbian lovers. Please remember that she and I are both straight.”

“Oh, darling, Mommy knows what to keep a secret.”

[Facepalm.] Sure she does.

Anyway, I feel like I’ve found what I’ve always wanted! I couldn’t be happier. It’s harder than you would think to incorporate this new energy into my life. Like, this weekend I can’t see Nick because I’m working really hard to win a Healthy Wage mini-challege that I’ve sunk $350 into.

Ooh, I think the Ambien’s kicking in. I woke up a few hours ago after I failed to fall asleep soundly.

To anyone out there reading this, I’m a believer. If you work hard at self-improvement, and you really desire to have a significant other, it can happen! I hope everyone out there is doing well!