Monkeying around!

Dear Amy: My friend “Tina” and I have been friends since college and are now in our 50s. When we met we were members of a campus religious organization, however as the years passed we both drifted away from our religious affiliations. I now would call myself agnostic.

Recently, Tina had a difficult breakup with a significant other. Since the split she has returned to religion and now mentions it often, which makes me somewhat uncomfortable, as it seems she may be trying to get me back in the fold. Over Easter, she went to church and decided that she wanted to be baptized. She scheduled it at a friend’s church three hours away. She said she would like for me to go, however, I explained that I would not be able to attend due to the short notice.

She was forced to cancel due to a family emergency, but then told me that she would reschedule her baptism so that I could plan on attending. The problem is, I don’t have any desire to go. While I don’t begrudge her any comfort her faith is bringing her, I am not interested and don’t want to feel pressured to participate.

How do I back out gracefully without hurting her feelings?

— Agnostic

Agnostic: I believe that in this context, honesty is not only called for, but it is also the most graceful way to handle this. You need to state a version of the following: “I’m very happy for you to have renewed your faith, but over the years we’ve known each other, I’ve made my own choice about religion and don’t participate. I won’t be at your baptism ceremony, but I hope it is a joyous event for you, and I wish you all the very best as you move forward in your faith.”

You can’t really control your friend’s response to this, but while she has the right to affirm her faith, you also have the right to affirm your own stand on religion. Neither of you should proselytize, and you should determine to carry on in an attitude of mutual respect. (c) Ask Amy

Well, gee. It’s not like Tina’s going to be participating in a satanic ritual at 3:00 AM in the middle of the woods where none of the attendees will survive to bear witness to the slaughter.

Be a friend! Go! Hmmph.

Let’s check in with Annie Lane!

Dear Annie: The recent letter about giving children experiences instead of things really struck a chord. When the writer said, “One of the most beautiful sounds in the world is the laughter of a child. You can almost hear their brain enjoying life,” it nearly brought me to tears.

I’ve been a “recess teacher” at the local primary school (kindergarten through fourth grade) for nearly 32 years. I’ve spent countless hours on the playground, watching and listening to those priceless little ones, and one of our favorite games is when I look at them real serious and say “Don’t laugh!” Of course, we all start laughing.

I feel so blessed to have found my niche, and after all these years, there are now children coming through who I can tell, “I was your dad’s (or mom’s) recess teacher.” — Laughter of Children

Dear Laughter: Your letter put a smile on my face. Thank you for sharing how grateful you feel getting to work with children. Laughter is the same in all languages. I hope that laughing doesn’t end in childhood and that, as adults, we find lots of joy and laughter. (c) Annie Lane @ Creators.com

Okay, but whenever I’m browsing online dating profiles and a man claims to love the sound of children’s laughter, I roll my eyes Heavenward.

I hope that laughing doesn’t end in childhood!

Yeah. I know I haven’t laughed since I was eleven. [Facepalm.] (Except for that time I tricked my mom into thinking I’d fallen off a mountain.) Is Annie Lane serious?! Adults laugh all the time. Where does Annie Lane come up with this pseudo-psychology? All you have to do is watch one episode of The Golden Girls:

Dorothy: “Stan, my sister Gloria is out of M-O-N-E-Y.” (Stan is Dorothy’s ex-husband.) 

Stan (clutching his traffic-cone monkey): “Well, she can’t have mine.” 

Dorothy: “Stan you idiot! She’s out of money, not monkey!” 

And then later, at the psychiatrist’s office:

Dr. Halperin: “Dorothy, I sense some hostility toward the monkey today.” 

Dorothy: “Stanley said the monkey called shotgun. I had to ride over here in the back seat.” 

And then they discuss Dr. Halperin’s book, Monkey Love.

And then later still, Dorothy goes into her room and shrieks when she finds Stan in bed with her sister Gloria.

Stan (beaming with pride): “Good news, Dorothy. I’m off the monkey.” 

Those writers are genuises.

(None of that was verbatim. I just wrote those lines as I remember them from my most recent viewing of the two-part episode titled “The Monkey Show”.)