Oh dear!

Dear Annie: I’ll be married for 25 years this coming June, 30 years together. My husband is great, but he is not interested in sex anymore. He told me, “It’s just not important to me.”

I’m in my mid-40s and am desperate for intimacy and affection. But aside from that, I enjoy my family dynamics. I don’t want to break that up for my own selfish needs. My kids would be sad.

I have talked to my husband about this many many times to no avail. I asked for an open marriage, and he will not commit to that. My question is, do I live the rest of my life without any physical intimacy? Should I ask for a divorce, which I really don’t want? Should I find intimacy elsewhere and hope for the best? I need direction. We already tried therapy and had his testosterone checked. A bit of advice would be appreciated. — Starving Wife (c) Annie Lane @ Creators.com

Don’t do it, Annie Lane. Don’t do it! I know it’s tempting to tell the letter writer to keep trying with the counseling, but she wants some actual insight, and she specifically mentioned that they’ve tried counseling in the ardent hope that you won’t recommend it. Don’t do it, Annie Lane! Come up with something more original, please!!

Dear Starving Wife: First and foremost, it’s important to validate your own needs for intimacy and affection. These are fundamental aspects of connection and well-being, and it’s understandable that you’re feeling a loss in your marriage.

I would have your husband investigate this problem further with his doctor; loss of libido could be the symptom of a variety of physical or mental health issues, or it could be the side effect of a medication he is taking. I would also continue with couples counseling — sometimes it takes a couple of tries to find a therapist who is the right fit — to help you two communicate about this sensitive matter.

The prospects of an open relationship or a divorce are both life-altering decisions; it’s important that you communicate openly and rule out any health issues before venturing down either path.

Oh well. I had high hopes, and they were dashed. Annie Lane is a perpetual prisoner of her safety zone.

I’d urge the letter writer to do some snooping and see if her husband is having an affair. And while going into the snooping, I wouldn’t necessarily assume that the affair is with a woman. Could be anyone at this point.

If they’re 45 years old, that’s way too young for him to be having sexual performance problems. I’d guess that he’s gay and went along with sex previously for appearances and to procreate, but now he’s through. That, and/or infidelity. Ugh. Whatever’s going on, the letter writer has a right to know, and it’ll be info she can use.

Maybe Annie Lane will give better advice to this next letter!

Dear Annie: I have a 47-year-old daughter who will not speak or have anything to do with me because I’m not in her religion. This has affected me greatly since her kids, my grandchildren and my great-grandchildren live on her land. She has forbidden me to come near her or her children.

How can I get around this? I was at one time in the religion but was disfellowshipped because of smoking. I am in the process of quitting but even if I do, the collateral damage has been done. My grandkids don’t call or come see me. Please advise what to do. Thank you. — Unbeliever

Dear Unbeliever: This sounds like a cult and not a traditional religion. If they use words like “disfellowship,” something seems off.

But since you were once in the religion, then we’ll assume it is not a cult from which she needs deprogramming. It’s important to recognize that you cannot change your daughter’s beliefs or decisions. However, you do have agency in how you respond to the situation and how you choose to move forward.

Your best hope for reconciliation is through open and honest communication. Reach out to your daughter in a calm, non-confrontational manner, expressing your desire to make amends and emphasizing your love for her and her children. Be willing to listen to her perspective and validate her feelings, even if you don’t agree with them.

It’s also important to find sources of fulfillment outside of your family relationships. Cultivate hobbies, interests and connections that bring you happiness, and lean on your support network for encouragement.

Oh dear. Annie Lane was so freaking close!!! And then she bonked. It’s like when you only win the Olympic silver medal because you were 0.0001 seconds behind the gold medalist. Ouch. The silver medalist often looks devastated. Like this poor gymnast here!

And God bless her! That expression is just… ouch.

Annie Lane’s first paragraph of advice was great.

This sounds like a cult!

Good job, Annie Lane. I agree.

Then this happened:

But since you were once in the religion, then we’ll assume it is not a cult from which she needs deprogramming.

No, let’s not assume that.

1. All the family members live together on a compound.
2. Indeed, the letter writer was “disfellowshipped” due to smoking. Smoking! You know who doesn’t mind if you smoke? Episcopalians! They only ask that you not do it in the sanctuary on Sunday mornings.
3. Most people don’t cut someone off due to their religious status (or their smoking status). I can see only wanting to marry a member of your religion, or a non-smoker, but the letter writer’s daughter has shunned her over this. Um. Red flags are flying all over the place.

I think it’s a fake letter, though. It doesn’t add up. The letter writer says she was shunned because of smoking. She then says she’s trying to quit smoking, presumably so she can rejoin the religious group to be with her family. She then signs herself as “Unbeliever”. I understand that she probably only wants to be included so she can see her family again, but still.

Here’s the big thing: if an anti-smoking cult were to cut me off from my family (and if I were a smoker in this hypothetical world), then that would present the biggest motivation in the known universe for me to finally quit smoking. And yet the letter writer is merely “In the process of quitting”. Good grief! Some pregnant women don’t even let themselves drink caffeine, but we’re supposed to believe that this letter writer is still “in the process” of giving up the cigs?! Her family members are being held hostage!! Put down that cigarette, Grandma!

Even if I do [quit smoking], the collateral damage has been done. My grandkids don’t call or come see me.

Well… there’s good news and bad news. In good news, the grandkids probably do still love the letter writer and want to talk to her. In bad news, the cult members won’t allow it.

Annie Lane’s advice is beyond bad. The letter writer’s family members are trapped inside a cult! And Annie Lane’s advice is this:

Cultivate hobbies, interests and connections that bring you happiness. 

I’d advise the letter writer to do some research posthaste about cults and how to go at them. Could a lawyer help? Should she report the situation to CPS since minors are involved? Does she have rights as a grandparent in her state? Would a social worker be helpful? What if she were to contact the local news crews about it? If they were to cover the cult, would that help bring attention to the cult, and subsequently help dismantle it? If the cult gets dismantled, is the letter writer willing and able to take temporary custody of her grandkids if needed during the transition to life in the real world?

But yeah. You know, hobbies. [Facepalm.]