Annie Lane swings and misses! Dear Abby comes to the rescue with real advice!

Dear Annie: I just read your response to the letter regarding the lack of appreciation for a wedding gift. While I completely agree that the couple should have sent thank-you notes, an awful thought crossed my mind. We just had our wedding last year, and we sent out combination personalized thank-you/holiday greeting cards to our friends and family.

What if some of these got lost in the mail? The thought made me sick that someone might be harboring bad feelings toward us even though we tried to be heartfelt, gracious and timely with our cards. How would we even know? — Thankful

Dear Thankful: Lost in the mail is always a possibility. I suppose if you are really worried that someone did not get your thank-you note, then you could ask them. But my suggestion is to block out this thought and just assume everyone received your combination greeting cards. I would only bring it up if someone asks you about it. (c) Annie Lane @ Creators.com

And this is how to give great advice, everyone. “Lost in the mail is always a possibility.” Didn’t Confucius first say that? I swear, Annie Lane’s bravery in tackling the real issues never fails to astound me.

Let’s check in with Dear Abby!

DEAR ABBY: My husband looks at pornography. I find it disgusting and it turns me off. I feel that if he has to look at it, it means I’m not good enough or sexy enough for him. I don’t believe his excuse of “It has nothing to do with you.” When I try to tell him how it makes me feel, he becomes indignant and turns the conversation around to something he doesn’t like about me to take the focus off himself.

He doesn’t watch porn around me, but he gets pop-up ads on his phone all the time, so I assume he looks at it frequently. I have even seen notifications suggesting he belongs to a website where he can chat with women, although he says he has no idea why he gets them. I’m not stupid. I don’t know anyone else with this kind of issue. I haven’t been able to have sex with him lately knowing this is going on. I don’t have plans to leave him over this, but what can I do? — TURNED OFF IN WASHINGTON

DEAR TURNED OFF: Realize that your husband’s appetite for porn really has nothing to do with your level of attractiveness, and everything to do with his own appetites. Next, and this is equally important, please seek a referral to a licensed psychotherapist who can help you to rebuild your damaged self-esteem. Your husband is far from the only man who enjoys X-rated entertainment. (So do some women.) And many couples view it together as a form of erotica.

The chat rooms, however, are another matter. Perhaps your husband can explain that to you during some of the sessions with your therapist. It might be more effective than him becoming critical and accusatory when you attempt to try to explain how his behavior affects you. Of this I am sure: Denying sex to your husband not only won’t improve your relationship, but it will erode it further, and I don’t recommend it. (c) DEAR ABBY

I disagree. I mean, Dear Abby is right that withholding sex will erode their relationship. However, I’d still do it if I were the letter writer.

For all we know, this guy is having affairs and spreading STDs. His wife should keep that in mind.

I haven’t been able to have sex with him lately knowing this is going on.

Sex should never be forced under these circumstances. I’m not referring to lack of consent, although that’s also wrong; what I mean is, no one should ever force themselves to be in the mood to have sex with someone else. I mean, it’s possibly okay if you’re trying to be more sexual and your partner is frustrated by your lack of a sex drive. Sure, if that’s the case, then you could try to be more sexually active. But when it’s a matter of repulsion within the relationship, I just don’t think that forcing yourself to have sex is going to help anything. Yuck.

And the thing is that women in particular are intuitive beings. If one of us specifically doesn’t want to have sex with a certain man (even if it’s our husband), then that intuitive pull should NEVER be overridden. It will lead to regret. When has any woman ever said, “I was so turned off by how he was acting. But I had sex with him anyway, and it was great!” No. That doesn’t ring true to me. And the letter writer isn’t being punitive. (Although her husband sure does deserve for her to be punitive!) She’s just turned off, and with good reasons. That needs to be respected.

I also disagree with Dear Abby’s assertion that porn is okay. But I myself view a dinstinction between occasional porn use and porn dependence. I could tolerate the former, but not the latter. And the letter writer’s husband is definitely quagmired in the latter category. It’s a huge difference. I’m not wholly anti-porn, but the letter writer’s husband seems like a creep.

(If we’re being honest, traditional porn grosses me out. But I understand that men are visual creatures. And I myself like some erotica, but generally in the form of written stories rather than videos.)

When I try to tell him how it makes me feel, he becomes indignant and turns the conversation around to something he doesn’t like about me to take the focus off himself.

While it’s possible that he’s merely inarticulate (like, “It has nothing to do with you,”), that really comes across as being more dismissive than boorish. And my money is pointing to a bigger disconnect within the relationship. There’s a huge sexual incompatibility. Also, there’s ample evidence that he’s screwing around, at least virtually (if not moreso). The letter writer doesn’t want to divorce him, but if nothing else, I’d urge her to continue to withhold sex from him. And going forward, she needs to do some serious soul-searching (and/or therapeutic work) to figure out if she’s really better off staying married. Ugh.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO MY ASIAN READERS WHO CELEBRATE THE LUNAR NEW YEAR: The Year of the Dragon, which begins today, is said to be one of the luckiest and most prosperous, filled with unprecedented opportunity. People born in the Year of the Dragon are creative, have a talent for active listening and are cherished friends. They are ambitious, intelligent and courageous. Famous “Dragons” include Bruce Lee, John Lennon, Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., Florence Nightingale and Joan of Arc. — LOVE, ABBY

Huh. That’s a nice message from Dear Abby. You know, I love St. Joan. She’s one of my role models.

I was born in the year of the snake (1977). Apparently, we snakes are wise, enigmatic, intuitive, sympathetic, mesmerizing, sensual, and beautiful. And then our weaknesses involve being hedonistic, vain, malicious, overly materialistic, and duplicitous. Hmm. I don’t relate to being sensual, beautiful, vain, malicious, or duplicitous. I do relate to being wise, enigmatic, intuitive, sympathetic, mesmerizing, hedonistic (I won’t sit here and deny it), and overly materialistic. But with the materialism, I think that ties into my need to rainbowfy the universe. My environment is like an exploded rainbow. I’m not materialistic in any sort of snobbish way, and I don’t judge anyone else based on what they own or don’t own. But I sure do love my stuff!! Yeah!